Off the Wagon
An honest reset a few weeks before 50 with less guilt and more grace.
I fell off the wagon, kids — but hey, at least I didn’t roll all the way down the hill. Life got messy, deadlines loomed, and I defaulted to what was easy. Quick meals and takeout. Sleep became a myth, exercise got ghosted, and the healthy streak I had going? It faded away.
For four straight months, I ate clean. And you know what my body did in response? Absolutely nothing. Not a single fat cell felt compelled to pack its bags. I’m ashamed to admit much of my motivation melted away after the scale went on strike.
My #1 Clifton Strength is Achiever, but I find when I do not get the results I am working toward, it becomes difficult for me to continue.
“Achiever describes a constant need for attainment. You feel as if each day starts at zero. By the day's end, you must achieve something tangible to feel good about yourself. And by "every day," you mean every single day -- workdays, weekends, and vacations.” from Gallup.com
No wonder I’m here. (The Clifton Strengths test is an incredible tool to understand yourself. I highly recommend it.)
I turn fifty next month. And wow, that milestone is hitting harder the closer I get to it. There's a foggy malaise hanging over me. I’m bored. Frustrated. Uninspired. But instead of ignoring or pushing those feelings away, I’ve been trying something new, leaning into it and asking, Why? What’s underneath this discontent? What is my body (and my brain) trying to tell me?
The good news is, I haven’t undone all the progress I made. There have been real, meaningful wins that I keep forgetting to celebrate.
One of the biggest? My psoriasis is in full remission. I haven’t needed a prescription or a single topical cream, shampoo, or solution in months. That’s a huge deal. I figured out that alcohol was a major trigger, and since eliminating it almost completely and giving my liver a little TLC with some high quality supplements, I’ve seen a full remission. No flakes. No itch. Just beautiful, clear skin. It’s something I should be shouting from the rooftops, not brushing off just because the scale hasn't budged.
But let’s talk about that scale, shall we? I hate that thing with the fire of 1,000 suns.
For four months, I have eaten 1200-1600 calories a day shooting for 100 grams of protein, far above the 50-60 I used to eat, and yet, my weight has barely changed. Six pounds down in the first few weeks, then nothing for the last thirteen. My metabolism isn’t just sluggish, it seems to have stopped completely. And honestly, I suspect there’s more going on beneath the surface. I’m deep in perimenopause, and my body doesn’t seem to process food like other people. No matter how “clean” or careful I am, my body just isn’t responding like it should. It’s maddening.
Mood-wise? That’s taken a hit too. I’m still showing up professionally, still getting work done, but the joy has faded. There’s no spark. I feel a general sense of dissatisfaction casting a pall over everything. Boredom. Restlessness. A craving for something more. I’ve thought about getting back into painting or some other type of artistic endeavor. Surprisingly, even as I’ve become more active this year, gardening and bike riding, that gnawing discontent remains.
And sleep? It’s a total nightmare. No matter what time I go to bed, I’m up at 3 a.m. Every. Single. Day. Staying up later to reset my internal clock, only means I will get four or five hours of sleep instead of eight, but going to bed at 7:30 or 8 p.m. isn’t the answer either. I live with a sense of chronic fatigue I can’t seem to shake. Maybe it’s the psoriatic arthritis. Maybe it’s something else.
So what am I going to do about it instead of just sitting here and complaining?
1. Meditate more.
I always feel better when I meditate. My head clears. My mood improves. My day just flows smoother. And yet, every time, I resist it like a toddler avoiding bedtime. I need to stop treating it like a chore and start treating it like my mental multivitamin. Twenty minutes a day. I can handle that.
2. Stick to a real workout routine.
Weights, rebounding on my mini trampoline, and walking. Five days a week, no excuses. I know I’m weaker than I was five years ago, and the only way to change that is to show up. I don’t need to train for a marathon, I just need to lift, bounce, and move consistently. Bonus: the trampoline makes me feel like a kid again. And yes, I always listen to '90s hiphop while jumping on it.
3. Find a just-for-me hobby.
No business plan. No Etsy shop. No pressure to be good at it. Just something I enjoy. I want something that lets me play again without the burden of productivity and doesn’t take place on a screen.
4. Travel more.
I need new views. New air. New people to people watch. We are heading west this fall to celebrate my 50th, but I really want to go somewhere that requires a passport.
5. Get a DUTCH test.
It’s time to dig deeper. I want to know what’s going on with my hormones and cortisol. There might be real deficiencies driving all of this, and I want answers.
6. Intentionally create more fun. My brain is starving for joy, challenge, and novelty. I need to feed it.
7. Limit social media and internet use.
This one’s big. I’m putting myself on a strict digital diet: thirty minutes a day, max. No endless doom scrolling. No comparing. No algorithmic black holes. I want my brain back. I want time and focus and peace. The internet is not my friend when I’m feeling low, and I’m finally ready to treat it like the ravenous, soul-sucking, energy vampire it is.
8. Recommit to a whole food diet. Food is medicine. Just eat the stuff my ancestors did.
So that’s the plan. No quick fixes. No extreme makeovers. Just small, steady shifts that honor where I am and where I want to go. I’m not giving up, just learning to recalibrate, so I can move forward without judgment.
Fifty’s coming. And I want to meet it feeling awake, aligned, and maybe even a little excited again. The next wagon is coming around the corner, it’s time to get on it!
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