I am an ally with a child who is part of the LGBTQ+ community. This is what every LGBTQ+ ally mother wants you to know.
I am terrified of the world my child faces.
Imagine leaving the safety and comfort of your home every day to enter a world where you are unsafe. Where holding a hand or giving a kiss in front of the wrong person could get you spit on, beaten into a coma, or killed.
Imagine sending your child, your heart, your sunshine, out into a world so full of hate that it cannot rest until it destroys the love it cannot understand.
Imagine hiding who you are, living in fear of discovery, and lying about who you love to make other people more comfortable.
Imagine the courage it takes to refuse to do this and to step into the light. Knowing the risk you’re taking, but also knowing there is nothing better than feeling at home in your own skin.
My child is part of a traumatized community with unprecedented resilience and a wild sense of humor.
The trauma is real in the LGBTQ+ community, and their favorite coping mechanism is humor, often laughing through their tears. It’s admirable that events that would have the rest of us curled up in a corner sobbing become the impetus for comedy sketches, poetry slams, and Netflix Originals. Exhibit A: Baby Reindeer.
We live in a world where resilience is often marketed as a badge of honor. Forget that. I want a world where resilience is replaced by peace. I want a world where my queer child is never praised for being resilient again. I want my child to be praised for their creativity, their joy, the way they light up every room they walk into. I want them to be applauded for their raucous sense of humor, their beautiful soul, and their empathy and compassion—not their ability to survive trauma.
They are survivors, but they are TIRED.
Tired of basic rights being taken away from them, having their loving families destroyed, their marriages invalidated, their right to gender-affirming health care taken away. They are waging a war every day against a government that wants to legislate them out of existence. It needs to stop.
They are more than their gender and sexuality.
Those are two characteristics of a complex human being. Please consider the whole person. Stop hyper-fixating and using gender and sexuality as adjectives to label them. Or referring to them in conversation as "my gay friend Charlie." It’s Charlie, the incredible artist. Or Charlie, who is an absolute wizard with cosmetics.
They want (and deserve) to be loved.
A good friend of mine, Steve Petersen from Bursting Through, taught me the most valuable lesson last year when he interviewed me during the launch of my book, When Wren Came Out.
It’s natural for an accepting traditional parent to say when their child comes out, “It doesn’t matter. I love you anyway.”
It’s the "anyway" that hurts, and it DOES matter. If it didn’t, they wouldn’t have agonized over telling you.
"Anyway" means I love you in spite of your perceived sins, I love you even though I think you’re making a terrible mistake, I love you through your bad choices. This is not a loving response.
Steve taught me, “I love you” is a full sentence.
That’s all your queer loved ones want to hear: “I love you.” Full stop.
P.S. Every year during pride month, I give away digital copies of my book (WHEN WREN CAME OUT) to those who can’t afford them. No questions asked. It’s my small contribution to help strengthen understanding and acceptance between the LGBTQ+ community and their traditionally minded loved ones.
If you need a copy, please send me a message.
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